Isolated Sufferings
by RidingAngelxspy
Summary: Ever wondered what Cammie felt about her dad's death? Ever wondered how it hit her? Follow Cammie through her time of sadness, as she tries to make sense of it and get through it. Slighty AU, but the grief is still there.


**Hey! Fanfiction x It's RidingAngelxspy here. I wrote a small new story. I hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: Disclaimed. (Ally Carter owns the Characters, I made the plot) x**

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_You can never understand something, unless you experience it. _Nobody knows how true those words are. I know someone, who feels like he has no family, and nothing left to lose.

'Do you ever miss them?' I always ask. He knows fully well who _they _are. And exactly what I mean.

'Why would I miss something that wasn't even there.' He always replies. And then he walks away. I don't go after him because i don't understand what he's going through, and i will only make things worse.

A couple of years ago, I lost my dad. He was 'kidnapped', but when we recovered him, he only spent five days in the hospital before he passed away. I promised him, i was going to make him better, i was going to look after him when he got out, i was going to make him our favourite meal when he wakes up and comes home - he never came home. I don't think i've ever made my favourite meal since then. It could be the most beautiful meal in the world but i'd still find it foul, because he's not here to share it with me.

Seeing him in the hospital covered in wires and tubes - well i hate seeing someone so weak. It's like they lost everything.

I miss him so much.

I'm not going to pretend we had the common, 'i love you Cammie/I love you to Dad' relationship, (though i did love him), I miss more the fact that i never spent more time with him, and what we could have had, and the memories of what we had are slowly fading away, because everyone acts like he never exsited. Sure, there are pictures, but the only thoughts we have of him are painful, so it's easier just to forget.

I don't usually tell alot of people my story, because i know someone has it worse. _He_ has it worse, so why dwell on things when others have got out of tougher spots. Not that he has healed yet...

Sometimes i wonder if Love will ever find place in his heart again.

I stand in the park sometimes and see people laughing, and smiling without a care in the world. That was once me - it is still me, just not in the same way.

I have friends. Three best friends, who are there for me, and yes they understand as much as they can, but... there's only so much help you can give. In a way i am glad they don't understand. I don't want them feeling as i have felt. It makes life a colder and darker place.

Other days when i stand in the park, i feel free. I try to imagine what my life will be like, all the happiness that i will gain. Then someone says or does the wrong thing and I feel sad again.

I would express my feeling if i could but at the funeral, everyone told me to strong, and _it will get better_. There are certain things i feel i must do to move on again. On my mom's birthday, I got her a card, and lots of presents - to make her feel loved. She looked me in the eye, and told me she was sad because she expected two cards but only got one. She says that every year. It never fails to break my heart.

Since then i always tried to hide my emotions. But _he_ can see right through me. 'Are you ever going to let me be there for you?' he always asks.

'Like you're ever going to let me be there for _you_,' I always reply, my face full of seriousness. It's not a statement, it's a question. He usually gets the hint, and never says anything more.

I sometimes struggle, like he does. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Sometimes the sight of a male figure makes me sick to my stomach, and sometimes i remember the memories, and feel happy every once in a while.

Somedays i have nightmares - no it doesn't involve thrashing about like in the movies, it involves bad things, and everlasting loneliness, and getting through the night on my own because I don't want to be a burden with my problems. Did i mention, how lonely i feel now-a-days. I remember almost crying when my friends went to COW and i went to P&E at school the other day. All this because i felt so alone. It was like they were taken from me. Snatched away. Or like i would never see them again. But of course i didn't cry. Strong girls don't cry, strong girls like me have to suck it up and move on.

_Suck it up, move on. _The harshest phrase known to mankind. Physical pain is one thing and emotional pain is the another. I always say, no problem is too small, or less important. As long as it affects you, it matters. I should probably take my own advice. Been there, done that, got the emotional scars.

My mom saying that we have to go through it because we have to get through it somehow. She always says that but i know that it's hard for her. She handles all the pitying phone calls, the unlooking judgement. We lost half of our family that year - some people felt we deserved it, some thought we did something bad, some just cut all ties with us, turning us into the 'plaged' family. Family of 2.

I remember the first christmas after what happened. I hated every christmas advert, or decoration or person who said, 'i can't wait till christmas'. I hated them with a passion. I felt trapped in a bubble, that i couldn't get out of.

That's the same, for every birthday, or father's day, or wedding anniversary. I used to be the one who cheered you up, now you're the one who brings me down.

If you asked me, how i get through the toughest days, I would say it's the music. The music from the circus my dad took me too when i was little, the music you hear on the radio that has meaning, not just dance beats. Before my dad passed away, i used to play all the song that i could find, just to help me through the pain. I especially downloaded a special classical song for him, as he loved that song. Now, i can't even think about that song without making myself cry. It's soo hard, trying not to cry, especially as when i fall, and there's no one there to catch me. So i open my parachute and hope the wind will blow me back to the top again. But one of these days, the parachute won't open, and i'll hit the ground hard, i'll probably make everyone else crumble.

As for my emotions, i'm not depressed or suicidal, I'm not failing my class or being rude to my teachers, I don't have mental breakdowns or take drugs, i'm just that lonely, struggling girl who needs a hug, and needs someone to ask me right now what i want to do. Not what i need or must do. What I Want To Do.

Because it's not what i'm not telling people. It's What their not hearing. If you know someone that is sad or down, just go to them and say, 'i'm here, and i'm ready to listen'. I promise you that you won't understand, but by listening, you helped them more than they expected. You could be the reason why they decided to go on one more day. Just understand, that what i feel, many others feel the same way to...

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**So That's my story. I really hope this story make any others that understand, feel like there not alone. And that those who have a problem, even if it's 'i'm worried about my tests', feel like their problems isn't insignificant.**

_'As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us'_

_'If you're going through hell, keep going'. ~Winston Churchill_

**I leave you all with a hug from me. Please review and i'll update next week!**

**-RidingAngelxspy**


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